On the 7th May this year, it was noted that the Universe had had another orgasm. These orgasms are cataclysmic. I say that the orgasm was noted on the 7th May, but there is a wee problem. The Universe has been expanding for about 15 thousand million years; the faster parts of the big bang explosion going at close to speed of light. So any light coming from those far off reaches, can take up to 15 thousand million years to get here. The Universe has beeen orgasmating for millions of years and information is still reaching us about most of them.

These orgasms take place in stars. Even if the nearest star to us, Proxima Centauri, had an orgasm, it would take 4 years and 73 days before we knew it, because the information about the orgasm (e.g. visible light and neutrinos) takes that long to get here. As it happens, Proxima Centauri is not likely to have an orgasm, it is the gall bladder of our Galaxy. But there are stars in our Galaxy that ought to be called Ultima Clitori because they are shuddering on the brink of a humungous orgasm. If the nearest one of these actually had an orgasm, we would never, ever know about it, because the blast would vaporise the Earth before we even had time to utter the famous words:
What the fuck was that?

The orgasm that was noted last Monday, 7th May was first observed last October, but only now have the data been evaluated. Orgasm experts the world over are unanimous about this one:

“This was a truly monstrous orgasm, a hundred times more energetic than a typical one.”

“Of all orgasms ever observed, this was the Queen.”

“We were astonished to see how bright it got, and how long it lasted.”

“This was not your run-of-the-mill orgasm.”

“Gargantuan.”

“Freakishly massive.”

So when did this orgasm actually take place and how far away was it? It happened about 240 million years ago, about the time we now call the transition from the Permian to Triassic Period. Yup, dinosaur time. How far away? I could give you a big number with lots of noughts. But let me force you to imagine the scale: to some extent. The light took 240 million years to get here. Light travels at 186,000 miles per second. There are about 10 times pi million seconds in a year. Work it out. God, my brain hurts. Where is she?

If you want to know more about these orgasms, and find out how much they resemble our orgasms, then leave a tick here and I’ll tell you more. Otherwise I’ll shut up. I’ll take you through the process using language like this and hope you will share my wonder. I know of nothing in the whole Universe to compare with one of these orgasms, or rather, supernovae, as the orgasm watchers call them, except of course, my own.

The image here is of a famous supernova from 1987. Although it looks beautiful, its name is rather dull: SN 1987A. The first supernova observed in 1987 was called SN 1987A, the second SN1987B and so on. My orgasms this year have been called ORG 2007A, ORG 2007B and so on. I confidently expect, and I will explain shortly how to spot a pending orgasm, that I will very soon experience ORG 2007EA which will be:

Gargantuan.

Not my run-of-the-mill orgasm.

because . . . . . .